Ellen, Part 2

Ellen stood and swung her bag over a shoulder, rushing from the office. Once she was half-way across the school, Ellen burst inexplicably into tears. Something swelled in her chest and her brain raced to find a cause, stumbling in the tangles of her self-loathing. Her legs collapsed from under her and she found herself caught in the arms of Dev, Jeremy’s friend.

Dev had bronzed skin and was remarkably tall; basketball was as natural for him as breathing. He was a gangly small-town boy, relatively new to the suburban school.

“You don’t look too good, Ellen,” Dev said. “You want to go to the nurse?”

She shook her head. “No. It’ll pass.”

“Aren’t you concerned about a repeat?”

Again her head shook. “I’m dying anyway, Dev. You know it; you were there when I got the first results.”

“So it didn’t change?” he asked gently.

“We both knew it wasn’t going to change,” she cried angrily.

Dev helped her to a nearby bench. “What’s wrong?”

“My life is over, Dev!” she choked. “Everything I had, everything I was…it’s all just falling away…I can’t handle this and keeping it together. I spend all day thinking about it. About what would have happened if I had said no that night. Or if I had never gone for the test. Or if I had just taken the flu and gone on with my life…nothing would have changed.”

Dev hugged her firmly. “Ellen, nothing has to change. Your obsession is depriving you of everything you had. Not your condition.”

She pulled away from him. “That’s not true!” Her face burned from tears and anger.

“It is,” he said. “You think about everything that went wrong and led up to this, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re still here, and you still have a life to live.”

At first, all she could do was stare at him, her emotions evaporating as his words sank in. Then traitorous thoughts appeared, convincing her he was right. Why should she allow everything she had worked so arduously for slide from her grasp? It was hers already; why was she letting it go?

She collapsed into tears, slumping against Dev and welcoming his comforting embrace.

“Let it all go. Forget about Jeremy; forget about dying; come to terms with it and your emotions. Once you do, you’re golden.”

Ellen cried for what seemed to be the better part of an hour. The anger, fear, and pain of the past several months seemed to wash away from her. The tangles of doubt and self-hate started to unravel. As she cried, the journal slipped from her hands, landing softly at their feet.

When she quieted, Dev handed her a handkerchief from his back pocket. Smiling, he said, “I thought you might need one.”

“Why? Why help me?”

“I figured someone needed to remind the genius that everyone is dying. From the moment we’re born, the one destination we all have in common is the grave. That doesn’t stop any of the rest of us. Live life to the fullest and all that jazz. Remember? It was in your speech for presidency.”

“Yeah,” she admitted, smiling a little. “I remember.”

“Even though you’ve got HIV, with treatment you can live almost as full a life as you would have had.”

“Not really—”

“I said almost;” he smirked, brushing her chin with a knuckle. “Don’t smart me, I know what I’m talking about. I did my research…just so I could reassure you.”

“Really?” She hadn’t realized Dev cared that much; yet, here he was, dragging her screaming and crying from the depths of her funk.

“The point is,” he said, “there is no reason you shouldn’t keep being who you have been.”

She smiled warmly at him, feeling a glimmer of her old herself. “Thank you,” she said, squeezing his hand. Ellen picked up her journal. “There’s something I have to do.”

~*~

“I thought you didn’t want me to see this,” Mrs. Hardylen said, both eyebrows raised at the notebook being offered to her. “Change your mind already? It’s only been an hour or so.”

“Changes come quickly,” Ellen said. “It doesn’t matter if you see this or not. I’m going to be okay.”