The Ballad of Dagmar Dinklenobs, Scene 6

(Lights go down on the scene. When they come back up, Ted and Edna are sitting in the living room, watching TV. Ted is flipping through the channels—only finding commercials—and trying to ignore Edna.)

Edna

I miss Dag—Big Daddy D, honey. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. When I had him to take care of I wasn’t ever bored and now here we are watching TV together. We never watch TV together.

Ted

That’s because you always talk over everything.

Edna

I hope he’s getting enough sleep and eating well. I don’t think he ever got over sneaking snacks between meals—

Ted

Holy crap, Edna!

Edna

Ted, watch your language!

Ted

It’s Dagmar! On TV…he has his own damn commercial.

Edna

(Standing) Oh, my. This is so exciting. Turn it up, dear.

(Ted turns the volume up and they listen to the commercial advertising Dagmar’s new hit single and his upcoming tour. The sound of the ad is voiced by Dagmar and Simeon off-stage. Ad lib, ending with “available wherever music is sold.”)

Ted

I can’t believe it.

Edna

I told you to be supportive. And after all your complaining he’d never get a decent job. I bet he’ll take care of us from now on. Just watch, dear.

Ted

Edna, dear, you were right. I should have listened. (To self) Now I really wish I hadn’t disowned him.

(Lights. The end.)

The Ballad of Dagmar Dinklenobs, Scene 5

(Scene: Dinklenobs’s living room. Ted and Edna are sitting and waiting for Simeon to arrive.)

Edna

This is so exciting. Dagmar is really going to be a star.

Ted

I still don’t believe it. Just wait, this Simon fellow—

Edna

Simeon, dear. Simeon Howell.

Ted

Whatever his name is, I don’t care. This fellow, I bet, is hired by one of those candid camera shows. Just watch, they’ll give him a single and let him believe it’s being mass produced just so they can laugh at him later. Then he’ll give up on this junk and get a real job. Just like we always wanted.

Edna

(Knocking) That must be Mr. Howell. I’ll get it, dear. (Exits momentarily and returns with Simeon) Please, take a seat. Would you like anything to drink?

Simeon Howell

No thank you. I’d like to get straight to business. I want to sign your son for a single and a full CD cover. But I want to make sure you’re okay trusting me with your boy and the fame he’s going to gain.

Edna

It’s always been his dream, Mr. Howell. Of course we’re okay with it. We always knew Dagmar was destined for something great.

Simeon Howell

Mrs. Dinklenobs, if he’s going to sign, you’re going to have to stop calling him Dagmar.

Ted

She doesn’t have to do anything you say. He’s our boy, and his name is Dagmar. We’ll call him Dagmar if we want.

Simeon Howell

Mr. Dinklenobs, the studio has already decided, if he signs, they’re legally changing his name to Big Daddy D. It’s just what America wants. They don’t want a star named Dagmar. But they’ll fall in love with Big Daddy D. So you’ll have to start calling him that.

Ted

If we want to call him Dagmar we will.

Edna

Now, Ted, he is an adult now. If our little Dagmar wants to be known as Big Daddy D, we should respect his wishes.

Ted

No, Edna. We don’t have to respect anything about Dagmar. He doesn’t even pay rent. Besides, what kind of name is Big Daddy D?

Simeon Howell

An American one.

Ted

My dead body it is.

Simeon Howell

Have you heard what stars are calling their kids today?

Ted

Yeah, I have, and those aren’t names. They’re…things. America’s insane for indulging them.

Simeon Howell

Which is exactly why your son will be famous.

Edna

You hear that Ted? Famous. Our little boy, famous. He’s always dreamed about it.

Ted

He’s just lying to us, Edna. (Standing) I told you already. It’s a candid camera show. In a month, Dagmar’s gonna come home crying his eyes out when he finds out no one knows who he is. (Exits)

Edna

I’m sorry about, Ted, Mr. Howell. He’s never had much faith in Dagmar.

Simeon Howell

Big Daddy D, Mrs. Dinklenobs. But that’s fine. I’m assuming you’re okay if I give him the contract to sign, then?

Edna

Of course, Mr. Howell. Can’t he sign it now? He’s just down the hall.

Simeon Howell

That’d be just great, Mrs. Dinklenobs.

Edna

Dag—oops—Big Daddy D! Mr. Howell would like to talk with you.

Big Daddy D

(Entering, acting cool) Hey, Sim. What do you wanna talk about?

Edna

I’ll just let you two talk. (Exits)

Simeon Howell

Simeon, never Sim. Remember how I said I’d take your demo to the board? Well, they loved it.

Big Daddy D

(Hugs Simeon) Really? That’s great. When do I sign?

Simeon Howell

(Pulling a contract out of his bag) Now, right here.

Big Daddy D

This is great! (Signs contract) Thanks so much, Simeon. For everything. This is my dream.

Simeon Howell

I know, I know. (Shaking Dagmar’s hand) Welcome to the business. Now go pack. We need to be in Hollywood ASAP.

Big Daddy D

Oh, wow. Hollywood. (Exits, shouting) Mamma, I’m going to Hollywood.

Simeon Howell

(To the audience) Kids.

(Lights)

The Ballad of Dagmar Dinklenobs, Scene 2

(Lights on scene: The Dinklenobs’s living room. There’s a few chairs, in one of which Edna Dinklenobs sits, knitting. Dagmar comes through the door, excited and brandishing his five dollar bill.)

Big Daddy D

Look, Mamma! I made some money today!

Edna

(Rises to hug her son) Oh, I’m so proud of you, Dagmar.

Big Daddy D

(Pushing her away) Now, Mamma, I told you to call me Big Daddy D. If I ever want to make it big I have to be taken seriously.

Edna

I’m sorry. I know how much you want to be successful. But don’t worry, Dagmar—

Big Daddy D

Big Daddy D, Mamma. Big Daddy D.

Edna

Someone’s going to hear you and you’ll get your break. You’re so talented. Just you wait and see. I bet there’s a big producer somewhere just waiting to sign you.

Big Daddy D

Thanks, Mamma. (Singing) Cuz Mom you always were…the perfect fan.

Ted

(Entering) Edna, throw one of my old work boots at that damned cat. I can’t stand listening to it…Oh. It’s the disgrace.

Edna

(Hands on hips) Now, Ted, I’ve told you to be supportive.

Big Daddy D

Dad, it’s Big Daddy D. Not Disgrace. And look, I brought home some money. (Holds up the five dollar bill.)

Ted

(Snatches it out of his hand) That’s mine.

Big Daddy D

But I worked hard for that.

Ted

What you do is not hard work. Besides, you’re twenty-five and still haven’t moved out.

Edna

Honey, let him keep his money. He doesn’t make a lot.

Ted

Well, if he’d get himself a decent job he would. Anything would be better than him prancing around like some sissy singing those girly man songs. We already let him drop out of college.

Big Daddy D

They’re the Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, and Ricky Martin, Dad. They’re not girly men. And I’m not a sissy. (Ted punches Dagmar in the arm. Dagmar cries to Edna.) Mamma, he hit me.

Ted

Case and point.

Edna

(Comforting Dagmar) Honey, we’ve discussed this. It’s always been Dagmar’s—

Big Daddy D

Big Daddy D, Mamma.

Edna

—His dream to be like Lance Bass. Remember?

Big Daddy D

(shivers) Ooh, Lance Bass.

Ted

He’s a pansy. Dagmar—I will not call you that ridiculous name! Dagmar, if you don’t give up this silly dream and get a job, I’m kicking you out in four weeks.

Big Daddy D

You just don’t understand. Everybody loves Lance and the boy bands—and Ricky Martin. I just wanna be loved, Dad. (Exits)

Edna

(Starts to follow but turns back) Now look what you’ve done, Ted. You’ve hurt his feelings.

Ted

You make it sound like it was that hard to do. (Pause) Say, weren’t those your pants he was wearing?

Edna

They might have been…why, yes, I believe they were.

Ted

(Shaking his head) That boy’s a disgrace to Dinklenobs everywhere. Doesn’t he know what came from the 80’s stays in the 80’s?

Edna

You’re being much too hard on him, Ted. He was still only a babe in the 80’s. How would he know that everything then was completely wrong?

Ted

You’d think he’d have figured it out when you weren’t wearing them.

Edna

True…but we never said Dagmar was the sharpest pencil in the cup.

Ted

God forbid anyone says that.

Edna

Oh, now, be nice. He’s still your son.

Ted

(Under his breath) Until I disown him.

(Lights)