The Ballad of Dagmar Dinklenobs, Scene 5

(Scene: Dinklenobs’s living room. Ted and Edna are sitting and waiting for Simeon to arrive.)

Edna

This is so exciting. Dagmar is really going to be a star.

Ted

I still don’t believe it. Just wait, this Simon fellow—

Edna

Simeon, dear. Simeon Howell.

Ted

Whatever his name is, I don’t care. This fellow, I bet, is hired by one of those candid camera shows. Just watch, they’ll give him a single and let him believe it’s being mass produced just so they can laugh at him later. Then he’ll give up on this junk and get a real job. Just like we always wanted.

Edna

(Knocking) That must be Mr. Howell. I’ll get it, dear. (Exits momentarily and returns with Simeon) Please, take a seat. Would you like anything to drink?

Simeon Howell

No thank you. I’d like to get straight to business. I want to sign your son for a single and a full CD cover. But I want to make sure you’re okay trusting me with your boy and the fame he’s going to gain.

Edna

It’s always been his dream, Mr. Howell. Of course we’re okay with it. We always knew Dagmar was destined for something great.

Simeon Howell

Mrs. Dinklenobs, if he’s going to sign, you’re going to have to stop calling him Dagmar.

Ted

She doesn’t have to do anything you say. He’s our boy, and his name is Dagmar. We’ll call him Dagmar if we want.

Simeon Howell

Mr. Dinklenobs, the studio has already decided, if he signs, they’re legally changing his name to Big Daddy D. It’s just what America wants. They don’t want a star named Dagmar. But they’ll fall in love with Big Daddy D. So you’ll have to start calling him that.

Ted

If we want to call him Dagmar we will.

Edna

Now, Ted, he is an adult now. If our little Dagmar wants to be known as Big Daddy D, we should respect his wishes.

Ted

No, Edna. We don’t have to respect anything about Dagmar. He doesn’t even pay rent. Besides, what kind of name is Big Daddy D?

Simeon Howell

An American one.

Ted

My dead body it is.

Simeon Howell

Have you heard what stars are calling their kids today?

Ted

Yeah, I have, and those aren’t names. They’re…things. America’s insane for indulging them.

Simeon Howell

Which is exactly why your son will be famous.

Edna

You hear that Ted? Famous. Our little boy, famous. He’s always dreamed about it.

Ted

He’s just lying to us, Edna. (Standing) I told you already. It’s a candid camera show. In a month, Dagmar’s gonna come home crying his eyes out when he finds out no one knows who he is. (Exits)

Edna

I’m sorry about, Ted, Mr. Howell. He’s never had much faith in Dagmar.

Simeon Howell

Big Daddy D, Mrs. Dinklenobs. But that’s fine. I’m assuming you’re okay if I give him the contract to sign, then?

Edna

Of course, Mr. Howell. Can’t he sign it now? He’s just down the hall.

Simeon Howell

That’d be just great, Mrs. Dinklenobs.

Edna

Dag—oops—Big Daddy D! Mr. Howell would like to talk with you.

Big Daddy D

(Entering, acting cool) Hey, Sim. What do you wanna talk about?

Edna

I’ll just let you two talk. (Exits)

Simeon Howell

Simeon, never Sim. Remember how I said I’d take your demo to the board? Well, they loved it.

Big Daddy D

(Hugs Simeon) Really? That’s great. When do I sign?

Simeon Howell

(Pulling a contract out of his bag) Now, right here.

Big Daddy D

This is great! (Signs contract) Thanks so much, Simeon. For everything. This is my dream.

Simeon Howell

I know, I know. (Shaking Dagmar’s hand) Welcome to the business. Now go pack. We need to be in Hollywood ASAP.

Big Daddy D

Oh, wow. Hollywood. (Exits, shouting) Mamma, I’m going to Hollywood.

Simeon Howell

(To the audience) Kids.

(Lights)

The Ballad of Dagmar Dinklenobs, Scenes 3 and 4

(Lights on scene: The street again. Dagmar is trying a new approach, singing Ricky Martin songs to attract attention, but his singing and playing are still dreadfully out of tune. A producer, Simeon Howell, is listening to him.)

Big Daddy D

She’ll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain. She’ll make you live her crazy life but she’ll take away your pain, like a bullet to your brain. Come on! Upside, inside out. She’s livin’ la vida loca. She’ll push and pull you out, livin’ la vida loca. (Ad lib with random words and phrases.)

Simeon Howell

Did you forget the words?

Big Daddy D

(Still strumming) Of course not. I wrote the song. Ricky Martin forgot the words man.

Simeon Howell

Ricky Martin also made a fortune “forgetting the words.”

Big Daddy D

Exactly. I do the hard work, those guys screw up, and they keep all the money for it.

Simeon Howell

(Drops a twenty into the case) What else can you sing?

Big Daddy D

(Stares at the bill for a moment) I can sing anything by Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, or Ricky Martin. Plus some of my own stuff.

Simeon Howell

(Crossing arms) Very well then, woo me with a ballad.

Big Daddy D

A ballad? That’s tight. Um…( Strums a different chord, sings) She was my once in a lifetime happy ending come true. Oh, I guess I should have told her, but I thought she knew. She said I took her for granted, last thing I would do. Oh, I’ll never understand it, cuz I thought she knew…

Simeon Howell

(Clapping) I want you to record a demo for me.

Big Daddy D

What? Really? You mean it? I already have lots of demos. Oh, boy, wait ‘til I tell Mamma about this.

Simeon Howell

I think you have a very…unique talent.

Big Daddy D

Man, you’re awesome. (To self) Finally. I finally got my break!

Simeon Howell

(Reaching out to shake hands) Simeon Howell.

Big Daddy D

(Shakes) Big Daddy D. You have no idea how much this means to me.

Simeon Howell

I can imagine. You said you already have some demos?

Big Daddy D

Well, of course. I told you it was my dream.

Simeon Howell

Perfect. I’ll need you to bring me one so I can take it to the board.

Big Daddy D

The board? Is that in Hollywood? Cuz I told Mamma I wouldn’t take anything that wasn’t in Hollywood.

Simeon Howell

It’s in Hollywood. But, look, be here tomorrow with the demo (hands him a business card), and we’ll see what kind of deal I can get for you. (Exits)

Big Daddy D

Oh man oh man oh man. Wait ‘til I tell, Dad. He’ll regret ever making fun of me.

(Lights)

(Lights on scene: The board room. Simeon Howell stands at the front of the stage facing the audience. At his side is a CD player. The audience is the board.)

Simeon Howell

Ladies and gentlemen of the board, I’ve found the next big thing. This kid will make all of us rich. Just listen to him.

(Simeon starts the demo. Dagmar’s horrible voice is heard singing his original creation, “Big Daddy D”. The board members are not impressed.)

Simeon Howell

(Stopping the music) So what do you think? You don’t have to answer. I know you’re thinking he can’t sing, right? Well, that doesn’t matter. The one thing books and movies have over music is the underdog. America loves underdogs. We love people who don’t have any real talents, but still come out on top. Now, before you ask, America won’t love him because he can sing…he obviously can’t. They’ll love him because he’s an average Joe who made it. It’s inspiring. You’ll give all the kiddies and washed up folks hope they can make it, too. They’ll support him because he’s bad…and he’s pretty funny. There are a lot of people in America. Most of them can’t carry a tune in an iPod. He’s perfect. So what do you say? Do we sign him and make millions? (Someone from the audience says, “Okay.”) Fantastic! (Shakes hands of board members.) It’s been great doing business with you all. (Exits.)

(Lights)