(Scene: Dinklenobs’s living room. Ted and
Edna are sitting and waiting for Simeon to arrive.)
Edna
This is so exciting. Dagmar is
really going to be a star.
Ted
I still don’t believe it. Just
wait, this Simon fellow—
Edna
Simeon, dear. Simeon Howell.
Ted
Whatever his name is, I don’t
care. This fellow, I bet, is hired by one of those candid camera shows. Just
watch, they’ll give him a single and let him believe it’s being mass produced just
so they can laugh at him later. Then he’ll give up on this junk and get a real
job. Just like we always wanted.
Edna
(Knocking) That must be Mr. Howell. I’ll get it, dear. (Exits momentarily and returns with Simeon)
Please, take a seat. Would you like anything to drink?
Simeon
Howell
No thank you. I’d like to get
straight to business. I want to sign your son for a single and a full CD cover.
But I want to make sure you’re okay trusting me with your boy and the fame he’s
going to gain.
Edna
It’s always been his dream,
Mr. Howell. Of course we’re okay with it. We always knew Dagmar was destined for
something great.
Simeon
Howell
Mrs. Dinklenobs, if he’s going
to sign, you’re going to have to stop calling him Dagmar.
Ted
She doesn’t have to do
anything you say. He’s our boy, and his name is Dagmar. We’ll call him Dagmar
if we want.
Simeon
Howell
Mr. Dinklenobs, the studio has
already decided, if he signs, they’re legally changing his name to Big Daddy D.
It’s just what America wants. They don’t want a star named Dagmar. But they’ll
fall in love with Big Daddy D. So you’ll have to start calling him that.
Ted
If we want to call him Dagmar
we will.
Edna
Now, Ted, he is an adult now.
If our little Dagmar wants to be known as Big Daddy D, we should respect his
wishes.
Ted
No, Edna. We don’t have to
respect anything about Dagmar. He doesn’t even pay rent. Besides, what kind of
name is Big Daddy D?
Simeon
Howell
An American one.
Ted
My dead body it is.
Simeon
Howell
Have you heard what stars are
calling their kids today?
Ted
Yeah, I have, and those aren’t
names. They’re…things. America’s insane for indulging them.
Simeon
Howell
Which is exactly why your son
will be famous.
Edna
You hear that Ted? Famous. Our
little boy, famous. He’s always dreamed about it.
Ted
He’s just lying to us, Edna. (Standing) I told you already. It’s a
candid camera show. In a month, Dagmar’s gonna come home crying his eyes out
when he finds out no one knows who he is. (Exits)
Edna
I’m sorry about, Ted, Mr.
Howell. He’s never had much faith in Dagmar.
Simeon
Howell
Big Daddy D, Mrs. Dinklenobs.
But that’s fine. I’m assuming you’re okay if I give him the contract to sign,
then?
Edna
Of course, Mr. Howell. Can’t
he sign it now? He’s just down the hall.
Simeon
Howell
That’d be just great, Mrs.
Dinklenobs.
Edna
Dag—oops—Big Daddy D! Mr.
Howell would like to talk with you.
Big
Daddy D
(Entering, acting cool) Hey, Sim. What do you wanna talk about?
Edna
I’ll just let you two talk. (Exits)
Simeon
Howell
Simeon, never Sim. Remember
how I said I’d take your demo to the board? Well, they loved it.
Big
Daddy D
(Hugs Simeon) Really? That’s great. When do I sign?
Simeon
Howell
(Pulling a contract out of his bag) Now, right here.
Big
Daddy D
This is great! (Signs contract) Thanks so much, Simeon.
For everything. This is my dream.
Simeon
Howell
I know, I know. (Shaking Dagmar’s hand) Welcome to the
business. Now go pack. We need to be in Hollywood ASAP.
Big
Daddy D
Oh, wow. Hollywood. (Exits, shouting) Mamma, I’m going to
Hollywood.
Simeon
Howell
(To the audience) Kids.
(Lights)
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