The First Musical: Chapter Four: Johnathan, Part 3

The girl auditioning had a flighty little voice. I marked her sheet chorus in the event she made the cut. Chorus didn’t have a lot of parts but there would be quite a few of them for the scenes in which they did appear. Her voice wasn’t strong or powerful even with the microphone on her ear. I wasn’t even sure I was going to cast her, but I always felt badly for dismissing people before they were done. Given my latest actions, I didn’t want to feel worse than I already did.

When the mousy thing finally finished, I thanked her, calling forth the next person.

The college had allowed me to use one of the smaller auditoriums as I planned to cast mostly students in the production. There was a small balcony, but no orchestra pit, and the seats needed to be replaced. Even the walls were drab and dated. The stage, at least, was in decent condition with a beautifully carved—though faded—proscenium.

Carmen sauntered onto the stage, her blond locks pulled back into a high ponytail.

“I’ll be auditioning for the lead,” she said, as though I didn’t know already.

“You don’t even know what the available roles are.”

“I know there has to be a lead female role of some kind.”

“The production is entitled Musical as there is no other title given to it. You may claim to audition for the lead, but I will ultimately decide if you make the production at all.”

“I realize that,” she answered. “I’ll start now.”

And she did. Her voice had a certain beauty to it, but there wasn’t anything raw about it. She was trained to sing, and in that training, she seemed to have lost the soul of her voice. I marked Carmen down in one of the two secondary roles. It would suit her, playing one of the best friends to Gisele’s lead. Hopefully it would minimize damage control as she would be the better of the two.

“Thank you, and we’ll be in touch,” I said, as I had for probably the thirtieth time that night. “Next?”

A few people later, Baron stepped onto the stage. He had a demanding yet unassuming presence, standing with his feet apart and his thumbs hooked in his pockets.

“I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing.”

“Sing a few lines from your favorite song.”

Shrugging, he began a country song; I was right about him. He had a great baritone voice. If I needed, he could probably hit most of the tenor and bass ranges. I marked him down for the male lead’s friend.

“Did you want a part?”

“I don’t care,” he said, shrugging again. “Did she audition?”

“Yes, she auditioned,” I said, adding a question mark to his sheet and setting it off to the side. “Thank you, we’ll be in touch. Next?”

From there the auditions went downhill. It seemed every person who had ever thought they might be able to sing came. I was somewhat grateful, though. It meant I had more time to think about Gisele and how I would begin her rehearsals.

We could start right into the thick of it, but that would be impossible. It would be giving her a crutch without her realizing it. Then when her rehearsals coincided with everyone else’s, we wouldn’t accomplish anything.

“Thank you, we’ll be in touch. Next?”

I had a month with her. In that time, she had to learn to trust me as well as herself. The production would fall apart if she didn’t trust especially herself. Trusting me was just a bonus. There had to be a balance between working on the music and working on her self-esteem. I didn’t yet know where that was.

“…Next?”

The First Musical: Chapter Three: Gisele, Part 2

Outside the dorm it seemed colder than usual and the typical glances seemed to sear into my skin. Everyone was someone who wanted me to audition, to give into Johnathan. None of them could be trusted.

Somehow, I found myself outside the door of an empty practice room. They wouldn’t think to look for me there. What use would I have to be in a practice room?

Locking the door behind me, I sat my bag on top of the piano and sat down, running my fingers over the cool keys. I had never really learned to play piano; I had learned cello formally, and played at learning piano, guitar, and violin at various times. Mostly I liked to play different chords to emphasize the emotions storming inside me and laying a foundation for vocals.

“Under your wings,” I began singing softly, the notes harsh in my throat. Clearing my throat, I was grateful to be without an audience in the dark room. “I find the shelter I’ve been looking for.” A noise came from outside the room and I stopped, half expecting the door handle to rattle or someone to knock. When it faded away down the stairs opposite the practice room, I turned back to the piano, my fingers finding a new minor chord. “Stand next to me. Don’t make me think I’m needing you more—”

There was another sound, this one on the far side of the room. “Who’s there?” I asked, not yet moving from the piano. I couldn’t help but think locking the door and keeping the lights off had been a huge mistake.

“Sing more,” Johnathan’s voice said from the shadowy corner. “It’s beautiful.”

Grabbing my bag, I made to leave, only to find him blocking the door.

“Don’t go.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” I asked, my voice cracking a little. I hated that he frightened me, that I didn’t know why he was doing this to me instead of someone who wanted the attention.

“This is your audition. I’ll be where you can’t see me if you prefer, and we can leave the lights off. All you need to do is sing.”

“That’s very accommodating on your part,” I said, consciously trying to force bitterness and anger into my voice. “I do remember, however, telling you I wouldn’t audition.”

“You’ve already started, though. I insist you finish.”

I inhaled shakily. My bag was heavy enough I might be able to strike him in the head and escape, but it wasn’t guaranteed he’d be out of my way enough for me to make it through the door. It also didn’t stop him from appearing in random places around campus and recruiting my friends to assist in fulfilling his agenda.

“If I finish this audition, you have to promise to leave me alone,” I said.

He shook his head; “I can’t promise that.”

“Why not?” I asked, not voice pitching from the frustration.

“I already told you,” he said plainly. I could feel his blue-green eyes searching my face. “You’re my lead.”

“Why me? I don’t even perform anymore.”

“Anymore. Why is that?”

“None of your business.”

“Until you accept that you’re my lead, I can’t tell you why it has to be you.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” I whined, my free hand gripping the top of my head.

“It will,” he said. “Now please finish the audition.”

My bag fell to my feet. “You won’t let me leave until then?”

“No.”

I walked back to the piano and sat down, defeated.

“Where do you want me?” he asked, standing on the far side of the baby grand, hands buried in his pockets.

Sighing and running a hand through my chocolate tresses, I stared at him. There was a relief in being able to have some control over him, but not much. “Stay there.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable—”

“So long as you’re in this room, I’m more comfortable being able to see you,” I said a little more tartly than intended.

“Very well.”

I stared at the keys, not sure where to start, or what to sing. So I returned to what I had been singing. “Under your wings, I find the shelter I’ve been looking for. Stand next to me; don’t make me think I’m needing you more than I do. Because I don’t need you. Keep close to me, so my skin absorbs its warmth from you. Hold me tight, don’t let me go or else I’ll see it’s true. I don’t need you.” My eyes darted up to his, and I hoped he’d say I could go, but all he did was bow his head toward the piano, his eyes closed as he waited.

“So long as I think I need you, you can be cruel and kind and dominate my world. Don’t let me see the truth; that I’m just a fool and, when you’re done, you’ll hurl me aside. Because that’s what you do. You take everything for you. And we both know it’s wrong,”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I finished. I regretted singing that song; I hadn’t thought about it since I’d written it more than two years ago. “I’m done,” I muttered, grabbing my bag from the floor and leaving him behind.

I hated him for trapping. I focused on that one thing because if I didn’t, I’d realize the only reason it had happened was because of me. Because I had ended up there and I had started to sing thinking no one was listening.

The First Musical: Chapter Three: Gisele, Part 1

Our study circle that night was in Baron’s room at Carmen’s insistence. It didn’t bother me as he had a single anyway, but it was weird being in the middle of a wing of boys. Despite trying to ignore this fact, I found it distracting—especially when his friends would peek in as if they wanted to ask something before seeing us and disappearing again.

“So I ran into Johnathan today,” Carmen said. “He’s convinced you should audition.”

This again? I sighed and let it go. If I didn’t indulge her, she might stop talking about it.

“I decided I would audition, too,” Baron said softly. My head whipped around to stare at him. This was Baron. Baron attended Carmen’s performances and whatever else she wanted to attend, but he never had an interest in partaking himself. It was what made him safe. We could be supportive together but I’d never feel pressured into trying because he wouldn’t either.

His green eyes locked on mine. “I was talking with Johnathan and he said I’d be a pretty good singer. That, and there isn’t much dancing unless you get a lead,” he said, shrugging and diverting his eyes back to his textbook.

“That’s great!” Carmen squealed excitedly, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. “I can’t believe he was able to talk you into it. I’ve been trying for years!”

“I know.”

As they exchanged their excitement and surprise, I packed my things into my bag. I couldn’t stay here. I knew what was happening. Johnathan was trying to corner me into auditioning for him. Why he was so adamant about this, I couldn’t begin to guess. But I wouldn’t audition. Nothing he did could make me. And if he thought getting my friends to audition would make me follow suit, he was sadly mistaken.

“Where are you going?” Carmen asked, pulling away from Baron.

“I don’t know,” I replied, swinging my bag onto my shoulder and leaving. An urgency swelled inside me to escape, as though they were as dangerous as Johnathan.

“Gisele,” Baron called after me, but I waved him off. I could not deal with this. I wouldn’t perform; no one could make me perform.

The First Musical: Chapter Two: Johnathan, Part 2

“Baron.” His head jerked around in surprise, but he knew who it was already.

“Johnathan. What’s up?” he asked casually.

“Remember the musical I was telling you and Carmen about? The one I want to produce here?”

“I’m not trying out, man;” he scoffed. “I don’t sing…or dance.”

“See, I think you could sing, though. And there wouldn’t be much dancing either,” I assured him. I was the director, after all; I could make certain accommodations. “Most of the dancing is done by the leads, there’s only a couple places where anyone else would dance.”

“Why do you want me to audition? I already declined your offer.” Although he stood comfortably before me, both hands buried in his jeans pockets, his voice sounded irritated and suspicious. He might have been a big guy, but Baron didn’t scare me.

“Because if both you and Carmen audition, Gisele will…at least, I’m hoping.”

He seemed to do a double-take and replayed my words before saying, “You want…Carmen and I already told you she wouldn’t audition.”

Nodding, I said, “I remember.”

“Then why are you forcing it?” The muscles in his arms visibly tensed under his shirt, though his hands remained in his pockets.

“Because I need her to audition.”

“Drop it and leave her alone,” Baron said.

“If she auditions, I can help her. She’d be confident again, not so worried or worrisome.”

Baron gaze turned icy and my instincts suggested running and hiding would be best. After a tense moment, he said, “I’ll audition…but if you make things worse for her, know I will hurt you until you wish you were dead.”

“I guarantee I have no ill-intent for her.”

“You’d better not;” he shoulder-checked me rougher than necessary as he left.

I clutched my shoulder and winced, though a small euphoric rush of accomplishment flooded through me. The seeds were planted and my auditions were only a few days away. If Carmen couldn’t convince her, and Baron’s own auditioning wouldn’t move her either, I’d have to revert to my other plan. I didn’t much want to, though. I doubted she would like it—or me—much.

The First Musical: Chapter Two: Johnathan, Part 1

“Carmen,” I called, jogging to catch up to her. She turned on the sidewalk, searching for me. The moment her hazel eyes found me, she pulled her blond hair over her shoulder.

“Johnathan. What a surprise.” The way she said it revealed how little of a surprise it was. I suspected she’d been looking for me, hoping to discuss auditioning for the lead.

“Not really. I need your help with something.”

“What?” she asked, cocking her head to the side, her doe eyes wide and innocent.

“I want Gisele to audition.”

At first, she stared, her brow furrowed and her lips slightly pressed. Slowly, she realized I wasn’t joking and she smiled secretively. “I’ve told you she won’t. She doesn’t like to perform.”

“Why not?”

“She’s convinced herself she has stage fright.”

“Do you know why?”

Carmen shrugged, and examined her cuticles. “It was before I met her. Supposedly she was really great, at least according to half our town, but I never knew that side of her. By the time I came around, she refused to perform and blamed it on this fictitious fear of hers.”

The only way I would figure out what had caused her to stop was if Gisele told me, but she wasn’t likely to come to me. “Is there any way you could help me get her to audition?” I asked, trying to avoid sounding too desperate.

She thought a moment, shifting the bag on her shoulder up more and pulling her hair around and over the opposite shoulder. “I can try, I guess. She won’t come, though.”

“Thank you.”

“I’d better get to class. I’ll be way late,” she said, glancing in the direction she had been travelling before our conversation, but not leaving.

Had I been interested in her, I would have been tempted to ask her elsewhere, maybe lunch or something. But Carmen was a means to an end. “Have a good class.”

She forced a cordial smile before turning and gliding away.

After she left, I went in search of Gisele. I made her nervous for whatever reason, so I needed to plan my approach. It wouldn’t do to scare her. Observation was key to a good plan, though. Not stalk, observe. Perhaps I would find my answers in her mannerisms. If she really had convinced herself she had stage fright, I could offer her a private audition. I already knew she had the part, and she knew I wanted her to have it. The audition was a formality to say she went through it.

She was leaving the art building when I finally found her. Her thumb was hooked on her bag and her eyes were diverted downward. She walked alone until Baron appeared. Gisele’s features lit up as he walked alongside her, telling her something that made her laugh. Her smile was radiant; it was impossible to see why anyone would want to hurt her.

I followed their progress across campus as they walked to another building, completely entranced by her. The way she moved next to him revealed a confidence she didn’t otherwise show. Her violet-blue eyes were bright with laughter and she seemed to have a little more liveliness in her step.

I would need to speak with Baron, obviously, as well. From the quality of his voice, he could be a fabulous singer. Having him on board—at least as an understudy—would help convince her, and that’s all that really mattered. I needed her…this her, who she was when she was around Baron and Carmen. Who she couldn’t seem to be otherwise. Whatever I had to do, I’d do it. Without her, there could be no musical.

With her, this her, it could only be a success.

I refused to think I may not find the her I wanted. It was a possibility, but one I didn’t wish to entertain.

The First Musical: Chapter One: Gisele, Part 1

“You’re beautiful. So smile like you’re beautiful. So sing like you’re beautiful. So dance –”

“—like you’re beautiful?” I supplied, interrupting Carmen. She had a tendency to make up her own songs and sing them all around campus in her flighty soprano voice.

“Exactly!” She walked backwards in front of me, bouncing on her toes with every step.

“You’ll run over someone like that;” thankfully, most people walked around her, some glaring.

“Why not sing with me? You aren’t half bad, yourself.”

“No, thanks. Remember, I’m the one who will only do karaoke if you pull me up on stage with you.”

“That was only once and no one complained.”

“Hey, Carmen, Gisele,” Baron called from across the quad, catching my eye. His name was Barnaby, but everyone called him Baron. Carmen beamed brighter than a spotlight while we waited for him to join  us.

“Hey, Baron. What’s up?” I asked when he was close enough I didn’t have to yell.

“Nothing much. Heading to lunch?”

“Baron, tell her she should sing more. She really isn’t that bad,” Carmen pouted.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to mumble something cutesy into her ear that made her face light up again. To me he said, “You really do have a great voice, Gisele. It wouldn’t hurt to join a group or something.”

“Will you drag her to auditions this week for me?”

Baron raised his eyebrows at me as though asking my opinion.

“I’m not auditioning,” I said, not for the first time. Auditioning was something I didn’t do. Kind of like being on stage wasn’t something I did. “And you know that, Carmen.”

Baron shrugged and returned his attention to Carmen. “She was always exempt from in-class presentations.”

“Your stage fright is fictitious,” she said, shrugging off Baron’s arm and walking backwards again. Then, as was commonly Carmen, she randomly burst into song; “It’s all in your head, my darling girl. You can do so much more than you give yourself credit for…”

“You can ignore her,” Baron whispered, grinning.

“I always do. Carmen, watch—”

Carmen fell over a guy who had wound up behind her; the two of them landed in a tangled mess of limbs on the sidewalk.

“I am so sorry,” Carmen fussed as Baron helped her to her feet. She shoved her golden locks over her shoulder before turning back to the guy on the ground. He picked himself up slowly, almost like he was distracted, running a hand through his shaggy auburn hair. His blue-green eyes met hers for a second as she gushed apologies before sweeping over Baron and landing on me for the longest two seconds of my life.

“It’s fine,” he said, dusting the seat of his pants. He then reached out a hand; “I’m Johnathan.”

“Carmen,” she said, shaking his hand. “My beau, Baron, and my best girl, Gisele. Nice to meet you, John.”

“Johnathan;” there was a slight edge to his voice.

“You don’t shorten it at all?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“No. Do you shorten yours?” The look he gave me was so intense I had to divert my gaze. Part of me wanted to run even. Something about the way he regarded me was different from when he looked at Baron or Carmen and it made my skin crawl.

“Baron does.” Then, glancing at my phone, I added, “I’m going to grab something to eat before the food court closes.”

“May I join you?” Johnathan asked.

“No,” I said a little too quickly. “I mean, I have a class in a little bit. It’s just to hold me over.”

“Gisele—”

“I’ll catch you later, Carmen,” I cut her off. I didn’t want him to know I was lying. I just wanted to be away from him and whatever it was he saw in me.