Showing posts with label doubt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doubt. Show all posts

Friday, January 12, 2018

Sonnet

His brow is furrowed, but not in anger
His eyes light up as you walk together
And although you know there is no danger
You must tell yourself it’s not forever
You know the truth, though prefer to deny
He might dishearten and leave you broken
Yet there’s something like love trapped in his eyes
Words, he too, is afraid to hear spoken
So now you decide what path you will take
Silence and confession have pros and cons
Will you discover his heart is true or fake?
You imagine he will love, dote, and fawn
              Over you. But you fear you’re wrong, and he

              Will leave you alone, defective, and empty

Friday, August 25, 2017

Eternal: Chapter Nine, Part 7

I waited, glancing from one person to the next, especially watching the doubters, hoping someone would speak up. My eyes wouldn’t beg anyone for a question, but I knew they were out there; just watching their faces, there were questions.
“How do we know you’re not making this all up?” Nick asked, filling the silence that no one else would breach, ending the anxiety and annoyance it had begun to instill in me. A good deal of attention was shifted to him for a moment before returning to me, many mumbles consenting with this question.
“Because I’m an air elemental. I grew up without my mother, another air elemental who was found and taken away by the governmental detail we refer to as bounty hunters. Because this is not something I would joke about.”
“Prove it,” a woman shouted from one of the picnic blankets.
I had spent the night thinking about what I would do and had determined a few ways, starting with the less showy. The woman who asked was named Dolores, which I found out from her friend who was somewhat embarrassed she had spoken up. Dolores—a tall brunette, curvy, and middle-aged—was thinking about her kids and the teenaged babysitter she left them with, whom she didn’t trust not to invite over her boyfriend or friends.
“Dolores, would you tell your friend with you…” I was saying, a trick to make her think her friend’s name for me, “…Joanie, that she shouldn’t be embarrassed you spoke up. This is an open forum because I don’t want any of you to believe me just because I say you should.” The women exchanged a confused look and there was some murmuring from the people gathered. “Because I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” I added, one hand on my chest, one hand reaching out toward her as if I could pat her hand, which I did do with the air, “I won’t ask for your address, but I think you should trust your babysitter. She probably has the kids playing a game or something.”
Dolores started talking excitedly to Joanie, first demanding if she had spoken to me at all and how I could know all of that. I withheld a smile, proud of myself, though I knew most people wouldn’t believe either of them.
“So how long have you known Dolores and Joanie?” a guy, standing relatively close to Nick, demanded, crossing his arms.
“I’ve never met them before,” I replied, “but you won’t believe me. And that’s okay.”
“Do something else?” a little black haired boy requested, his mother quickly shushing him though he waved her off.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked him, crouching down as he was in one of the lawn chairs near the gazebo steps.
He leaned forward excitedly, his rich brown eyes wide and glistening. “Can you fly?” he half-whispered.
Smiling, I stood again. “I can do something like flying,” I admitted, facing the skeptic near Nick.
“You probably know him, too,” he quipped, sneering. Some people just had no manners.
“She doesn’t,” the boy’s mother insisted, holding his head to her chest before he pushed her away, waiting eagerly to see his request fulfilled.
“Then you wanted someone to say that. There’s probably wires,” he reasoned, and while a few people agreed with him, more of them were tired of his doubting, even if they still weren’t convinced.
“So choose someone, anyone here, to check for wires,” I invited, opening my arms to encompass the entire company. “I won’t object.”
Thus, everyone started talking, automatically eliminating anyone who said they believed me and ruling out the skeptic for being too skeptical. Dolores, Joanie, and the boy and his family were also ruled out. Eventually they decided on a farmer type who was torn between believing God would allow a phenomena like this to happen and that elementals were spawns of the devil and therefore unnatural. He was, however, hesitant to do much more than swipe his hand above my head and arms should the latter be the truth. When other men in the crowd cheered him to check elsewhere on my person, he was very respectful and his cheeks burned red.
When he cleared me as wire-free, I asked him to step to the side, starting up my cycle of moving strings where he had been standing. Stepping onto my strings, it took me a moment to find my balance, not having done this for a while. Once I found it, though, I was good to go, slowly weaving through the crowd where there was enough space, eventually flying to the top of the gazebo and sitting down on a now solid block of air. The little boy was out of his seat staring open-mouthed up at me. Everyone was staring open-mouthed, even Nick who—I had forgotten—had never seen me do anything but little tricks.
As I sat above them, I properly read the crowd. For the most part, they were convinced. Quite a few had questions, but I could take those individually. Floating slowly back down, I felt it was time to improvise an ending since I had pretty much improvised everything else.
“Elementals exist,” I started, smiling at how many people were nodding in consent, in belief. Even the gentleman who had checked for wires. “Through us, small miracles still happen, our existence becomes less of a burden on the environment, and people are helped. But it won’t last if we let the government have its way. We exist; we’re people, human; we deserve our rights, too. But it’s the efforts of everyone together that’s going to make a change possible,” I finished, looking around again. I couldn’t seem to remember why I had ever been nervous to begin with. “I’ll be here for a while yet, so feel free to ask questions.”
Nick was the last one I looked at before thanking the crowd and going to sit on one of the benches in the gazebo. He had been smiling, silently clapping for me. Seeing that made me feel so warm inside.
And the feeling didn’t stop there, either. Most of the people who came up to talk to me introduced themselves and commented on how I had been, or how amazing it was to see me fly, or tell me how they wanted to help in any way they could. Every time they asked my name, I answered with “Leirba,” staying true to Drei’s instructions.

Though the original speech was meant to awe and inspire and be longer and better organized, among other things, I felt I had found my niche. Caroline worked well with a prepared script; she liked to talk at people and have them listen. Me? Well, it seemed improvising with facts readily available afterwards was more my speed. I liked to talk to people, and connect in that fashion. If the feedback was any indication, that was how I was going to succeed.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Eternal: Chapter Nine, Part 6

Drei had chosen the exact location for this speech to be the gazebo where, on sunnier days, local musicians would showcase their talent and school bands would hold fundraisers. It was a huge, well-kept, white gazebo with intricate lattice work and was in a well shaded area. Nick and I arrived an hour before it was scheduled to begin. I had left behind my notebook and notes, not wanting to carry them with me. Though I had it memorized, I was beginning to feel nervous again, wishing I had brought it along after all.
“You’ll be great,” Nick insisted, squeezing my shoulder. “Remember, I’ll be in the audience, by that tree,” he added, pointing to a tall oak tree straight out from one of the entrances to the gazebo.
Touching his hand, soaking in the comfort it was trying to offer, I nodded, knowing he had to leave and show up after other people had, if anyone did. He would stay nearby should I need him, but we wanted to limit the number of faces directly related to our campaign for the time being.
He walked away, looking back once as if to assure me he would be under that tree before I started speaking. That I wasn’t some puppy he was going to leave by the side of the road and never return to. Not that I had been thinking that. Really. All right, maybe a little.
I sat, concentrating on breathing, relaxing until Nick’s cell phone alarm went off in my pocket—doubling as a reminder he had to return. As I breathed, I tried not to think if I was dressed appropriately in my blue jeans, long, loose-fitting blouse, and sweater jacket; I attempted to stop my brain from going through opinions whoever showed might already have of me, how I would work around that, and if I could at all. I wasn’t succeeding very well.
Slowly, my silence was infiltrated as the park started filling with people, some of them stopping to stare at me while others just stood around chatting. Focusing on the first words of my speech, I tried droning them out, forcing myself not to be concerned with their words
There was a soft buzzing in my back pocket. Pulling out the cell phone, I turned it off, exhaling slowly until there was no air in my lungs.
Show time.
Standing up, I faced the oak tree Nick had pointed out, surprised to see a good sized group of people before me. Some sat on picnic blankets, relaxing with friends; some had brought lawn chairs; others were standing under or leaning against trees. A shush fell across them like dominoes as the people closest to the gazebo noticed me there.
Part of me, the part scared senseless right then, wanted to walk down the steps and pretend I had just been waiting in the gazebo for the speaker. To let it end here with all of them disappointed, never to be bothered again.
Glancing around, my eyes caught Nick’s, and I knew I couldn’t let them down. Most of them had probably been avid listeners and followers of Caroline’s revolution when it had ended—indirectly my fault. They had been waiting for a change, craving one. I couldn’t reward their patience and devotion with more disappointment.
Swallowing, I stepped forward, forcing myself to calm down, at least on the surface. I wasn’t Caroline; I could draw attention, but I didn’t know how to command it as she did. The beginning she had written was what worked for her, but standing before all of these expectant people now, I knew it wasn’t what was going to work for me.
“Welcome,” I greeted, opening my arms to all of them. “That you’re here today means you’ve seen the commercials; you’ve visited the site; now you want to know more,” I started, risking looking around at everyone. My nerves were still going crazy but at least it wasn’t showing in my voice. Nick gave me a thumbs up. “For anyone who hasn’t read the literature on the site, allow me to summarize. There are people who look normal, have regular jobs, lead average lives, but are different. They can control one of the four elements: water, fire, earth, air.” I had thought I might do something to emphasize this point, but decided to leave the theatrics until someone asked. Right now, the message was the important part.
“As I said, they are regular people, just like everyone here, but a little different. Not different in a bad way,” I added, still on guard but starting to relax. It was hard reading just their expressions and I didn’t want to distract myself with reading their impressions just yet. The general feeling was patience, calm, and interest; doubt was only in a few spots. I’d see how that changed in a moment when I went into the heavy stuff. “Instead of treating people like this, like me, with the same respect as everyone one else, though, our government chooses to hunt us. To gather a special detail of people to search for us, find us, and take us into captivity for research to use our gifts, against our will, as a weapon. Gifts that are meant to be given to everyone to improve life, to assist us in coexisting with our environment; gifts that have been at work silently bringing change into our lives for centuries.
“But these gifts won’t be around forever,” I stated, feeling stronger, feeling empowered by finally saying what no one else would. There was no turning back after this moment; no one could erase spoken words, even if they managed to erase those written. “The elements endow us to benefit as many as possible, but that’s their only purpose. They won’t stand for being used as a weapon, or being misused in any way.” Saying this, I thought of Mom and knew she would be proud if she could be here—this was one of her lessons to me, after all. But I also sensed the increasing doubt among my listeners. This was the abstract part now, the part I’d have to back soon with proof. “Some of you may remember another revolution, aimed at the government. Everything that was the case then, is still the case now,” I said, beginning to talk more with my hands. “But this is a case of civil rights, one of many faults in a structure that is failing. Another omission in an ever growing list.”
No one had left yet, and no one had completely lost interest; even the doubters were still listening, still staring at me. Even as they grew more skeptical, something about whatever I was saying was rooting them here. I wasn’t sure what exactly, but I figured it didn’t matter so long as they kept listening.

“This blatant disregard of our rights as citizens—as human beings—breaks apart families, ruins relationships, forces all of us into hiding…until now. We refuse to stay silent any longer. We want to live peacefully and help where we can. To do that, we need all the help you can give.”