The First Musical: Chapter Three: Gisele, Part 3

“Where have you been?” Carmen asked the moment I stepped through the door. She had sprawled out on her bed, reading the text for her discussion class. The rest of her textbooks and school things were scattered across the floor in a haphazard mess.

“Nowhere.” I didn’t want to talk with her about it. She still wanted that lead, and I would be perfectly happy giving it to her if I could. It wasn’t my choice, though; it was his and I wished it wasn’t.

“What’s wrong, Gisele?” she asked, sitting up on her bed. “You can talk to me, you know.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I murmured, trying to focus on my math homework for the next day.

“Something’s wrong; I can tell.”

I slipped into the sweater on the back of my chair, pulling it tight around me. Cold still seemed to wrap me in a death grip; I just couldn’t seem to warm up. “It’s nothing.”

“Don’t tell me that, Gisele.”

“I’m trying to concentrate,” I snapped. She wouldn’t understand. She’d blame me and any number of things. Between Johnathan, his musical, and having auditioned against my wishes, I couldn’t handle whatever she thought she could do to help. She’d probably do more to worsen things.

After a while I gave up on hoping calculus would make sense and started to regret snapping at Carmen. But she hadn’t bothered me since, so it wasn’t so bad? It just wasn’t me. I couldn’t remember snapping at anyone in the past several years. I felt ambivalent about it. Like Johnathan and everything was changing me into some unrecognizable.

Climbing into bed for the night, my back to Carmen and her unusual silence, I struggled to find sleep. Between singing that song—to Johnathan of all people—and everything else the day had revealed, my mind was too preoccupied to stop thinking.

Even though I’m certain I did eventually fall asleep, I couldn’t be sure. It felt like I opened my eyes every ten minutes to escape the images of Johnathan running through my mind. I couldn’t make heads or tails of him, but I would be happy if I never saw again.

But my nightmares were closer to reality.

The First Musical: Chapter Three: Gisele, Part 2

Outside the dorm it seemed colder than usual and the typical glances seemed to sear into my skin. Everyone was someone who wanted me to audition, to give into Johnathan. None of them could be trusted.

Somehow, I found myself outside the door of an empty practice room. They wouldn’t think to look for me there. What use would I have to be in a practice room?

Locking the door behind me, I sat my bag on top of the piano and sat down, running my fingers over the cool keys. I had never really learned to play piano; I had learned cello formally, and played at learning piano, guitar, and violin at various times. Mostly I liked to play different chords to emphasize the emotions storming inside me and laying a foundation for vocals.

“Under your wings,” I began singing softly, the notes harsh in my throat. Clearing my throat, I was grateful to be without an audience in the dark room. “I find the shelter I’ve been looking for.” A noise came from outside the room and I stopped, half expecting the door handle to rattle or someone to knock. When it faded away down the stairs opposite the practice room, I turned back to the piano, my fingers finding a new minor chord. “Stand next to me. Don’t make me think I’m needing you more—”

There was another sound, this one on the far side of the room. “Who’s there?” I asked, not yet moving from the piano. I couldn’t help but think locking the door and keeping the lights off had been a huge mistake.

“Sing more,” Johnathan’s voice said from the shadowy corner. “It’s beautiful.”

Grabbing my bag, I made to leave, only to find him blocking the door.

“Don’t go.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” I asked, my voice cracking a little. I hated that he frightened me, that I didn’t know why he was doing this to me instead of someone who wanted the attention.

“This is your audition. I’ll be where you can’t see me if you prefer, and we can leave the lights off. All you need to do is sing.”

“That’s very accommodating on your part,” I said, consciously trying to force bitterness and anger into my voice. “I do remember, however, telling you I wouldn’t audition.”

“You’ve already started, though. I insist you finish.”

I inhaled shakily. My bag was heavy enough I might be able to strike him in the head and escape, but it wasn’t guaranteed he’d be out of my way enough for me to make it through the door. It also didn’t stop him from appearing in random places around campus and recruiting my friends to assist in fulfilling his agenda.

“If I finish this audition, you have to promise to leave me alone,” I said.

He shook his head; “I can’t promise that.”

“Why not?” I asked, not voice pitching from the frustration.

“I already told you,” he said plainly. I could feel his blue-green eyes searching my face. “You’re my lead.”

“Why me? I don’t even perform anymore.”

“Anymore. Why is that?”

“None of your business.”

“Until you accept that you’re my lead, I can’t tell you why it has to be you.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” I whined, my free hand gripping the top of my head.

“It will,” he said. “Now please finish the audition.”

My bag fell to my feet. “You won’t let me leave until then?”

“No.”

I walked back to the piano and sat down, defeated.

“Where do you want me?” he asked, standing on the far side of the baby grand, hands buried in his pockets.

Sighing and running a hand through my chocolate tresses, I stared at him. There was a relief in being able to have some control over him, but not much. “Stay there.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable—”

“So long as you’re in this room, I’m more comfortable being able to see you,” I said a little more tartly than intended.

“Very well.”

I stared at the keys, not sure where to start, or what to sing. So I returned to what I had been singing. “Under your wings, I find the shelter I’ve been looking for. Stand next to me; don’t make me think I’m needing you more than I do. Because I don’t need you. Keep close to me, so my skin absorbs its warmth from you. Hold me tight, don’t let me go or else I’ll see it’s true. I don’t need you.” My eyes darted up to his, and I hoped he’d say I could go, but all he did was bow his head toward the piano, his eyes closed as he waited.

“So long as I think I need you, you can be cruel and kind and dominate my world. Don’t let me see the truth; that I’m just a fool and, when you’re done, you’ll hurl me aside. Because that’s what you do. You take everything for you. And we both know it’s wrong,”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I finished. I regretted singing that song; I hadn’t thought about it since I’d written it more than two years ago. “I’m done,” I muttered, grabbing my bag from the floor and leaving him behind.

I hated him for trapping. I focused on that one thing because if I didn’t, I’d realize the only reason it had happened was because of me. Because I had ended up there and I had started to sing thinking no one was listening.

The First Musical: Chapter Three: Gisele, Part 1

Our study circle that night was in Baron’s room at Carmen’s insistence. It didn’t bother me as he had a single anyway, but it was weird being in the middle of a wing of boys. Despite trying to ignore this fact, I found it distracting—especially when his friends would peek in as if they wanted to ask something before seeing us and disappearing again.

“So I ran into Johnathan today,” Carmen said. “He’s convinced you should audition.”

This again? I sighed and let it go. If I didn’t indulge her, she might stop talking about it.

“I decided I would audition, too,” Baron said softly. My head whipped around to stare at him. This was Baron. Baron attended Carmen’s performances and whatever else she wanted to attend, but he never had an interest in partaking himself. It was what made him safe. We could be supportive together but I’d never feel pressured into trying because he wouldn’t either.

His green eyes locked on mine. “I was talking with Johnathan and he said I’d be a pretty good singer. That, and there isn’t much dancing unless you get a lead,” he said, shrugging and diverting his eyes back to his textbook.

“That’s great!” Carmen squealed excitedly, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. “I can’t believe he was able to talk you into it. I’ve been trying for years!”

“I know.”

As they exchanged their excitement and surprise, I packed my things into my bag. I couldn’t stay here. I knew what was happening. Johnathan was trying to corner me into auditioning for him. Why he was so adamant about this, I couldn’t begin to guess. But I wouldn’t audition. Nothing he did could make me. And if he thought getting my friends to audition would make me follow suit, he was sadly mistaken.

“Where are you going?” Carmen asked, pulling away from Baron.

“I don’t know,” I replied, swinging my bag onto my shoulder and leaving. An urgency swelled inside me to escape, as though they were as dangerous as Johnathan.

“Gisele,” Baron called after me, but I waved him off. I could not deal with this. I wouldn’t perform; no one could make me perform.

The First Musical: Chapter Two: Johnathan, Part 2

“Baron.” His head jerked around in surprise, but he knew who it was already.

“Johnathan. What’s up?” he asked casually.

“Remember the musical I was telling you and Carmen about? The one I want to produce here?”

“I’m not trying out, man;” he scoffed. “I don’t sing…or dance.”

“See, I think you could sing, though. And there wouldn’t be much dancing either,” I assured him. I was the director, after all; I could make certain accommodations. “Most of the dancing is done by the leads, there’s only a couple places where anyone else would dance.”

“Why do you want me to audition? I already declined your offer.” Although he stood comfortably before me, both hands buried in his jeans pockets, his voice sounded irritated and suspicious. He might have been a big guy, but Baron didn’t scare me.

“Because if both you and Carmen audition, Gisele will…at least, I’m hoping.”

He seemed to do a double-take and replayed my words before saying, “You want…Carmen and I already told you she wouldn’t audition.”

Nodding, I said, “I remember.”

“Then why are you forcing it?” The muscles in his arms visibly tensed under his shirt, though his hands remained in his pockets.

“Because I need her to audition.”

“Drop it and leave her alone,” Baron said.

“If she auditions, I can help her. She’d be confident again, not so worried or worrisome.”

Baron gaze turned icy and my instincts suggested running and hiding would be best. After a tense moment, he said, “I’ll audition…but if you make things worse for her, know I will hurt you until you wish you were dead.”

“I guarantee I have no ill-intent for her.”

“You’d better not;” he shoulder-checked me rougher than necessary as he left.

I clutched my shoulder and winced, though a small euphoric rush of accomplishment flooded through me. The seeds were planted and my auditions were only a few days away. If Carmen couldn’t convince her, and Baron’s own auditioning wouldn’t move her either, I’d have to revert to my other plan. I didn’t much want to, though. I doubted she would like it—or me—much.

The First Musical: Chapter Two: Johnathan, Part 1

“Carmen,” I called, jogging to catch up to her. She turned on the sidewalk, searching for me. The moment her hazel eyes found me, she pulled her blond hair over her shoulder.

“Johnathan. What a surprise.” The way she said it revealed how little of a surprise it was. I suspected she’d been looking for me, hoping to discuss auditioning for the lead.

“Not really. I need your help with something.”

“What?” she asked, cocking her head to the side, her doe eyes wide and innocent.

“I want Gisele to audition.”

At first, she stared, her brow furrowed and her lips slightly pressed. Slowly, she realized I wasn’t joking and she smiled secretively. “I’ve told you she won’t. She doesn’t like to perform.”

“Why not?”

“She’s convinced herself she has stage fright.”

“Do you know why?”

Carmen shrugged, and examined her cuticles. “It was before I met her. Supposedly she was really great, at least according to half our town, but I never knew that side of her. By the time I came around, she refused to perform and blamed it on this fictitious fear of hers.”

The only way I would figure out what had caused her to stop was if Gisele told me, but she wasn’t likely to come to me. “Is there any way you could help me get her to audition?” I asked, trying to avoid sounding too desperate.

She thought a moment, shifting the bag on her shoulder up more and pulling her hair around and over the opposite shoulder. “I can try, I guess. She won’t come, though.”

“Thank you.”

“I’d better get to class. I’ll be way late,” she said, glancing in the direction she had been travelling before our conversation, but not leaving.

Had I been interested in her, I would have been tempted to ask her elsewhere, maybe lunch or something. But Carmen was a means to an end. “Have a good class.”

She forced a cordial smile before turning and gliding away.

After she left, I went in search of Gisele. I made her nervous for whatever reason, so I needed to plan my approach. It wouldn’t do to scare her. Observation was key to a good plan, though. Not stalk, observe. Perhaps I would find my answers in her mannerisms. If she really had convinced herself she had stage fright, I could offer her a private audition. I already knew she had the part, and she knew I wanted her to have it. The audition was a formality to say she went through it.

She was leaving the art building when I finally found her. Her thumb was hooked on her bag and her eyes were diverted downward. She walked alone until Baron appeared. Gisele’s features lit up as he walked alongside her, telling her something that made her laugh. Her smile was radiant; it was impossible to see why anyone would want to hurt her.

I followed their progress across campus as they walked to another building, completely entranced by her. The way she moved next to him revealed a confidence she didn’t otherwise show. Her violet-blue eyes were bright with laughter and she seemed to have a little more liveliness in her step.

I would need to speak with Baron, obviously, as well. From the quality of his voice, he could be a fabulous singer. Having him on board—at least as an understudy—would help convince her, and that’s all that really mattered. I needed her…this her, who she was when she was around Baron and Carmen. Who she couldn’t seem to be otherwise. Whatever I had to do, I’d do it. Without her, there could be no musical.

With her, this her, it could only be a success.

I refused to think I may not find the her I wanted. It was a possibility, but one I didn’t wish to entertain.

The First Musical: Chapter One: Gisele, Part 3

I didn’t used to have stage fright. I used to sing all the time, every chance I could. Music and performance were my life; it felt like I wouldn’t be able to breathe without the ability to sing. Though I never learned to read music, I could feel it. At least that’s what my mom had said once when I'd asked her. So even if they weren’t always the right notes, they were beautiful. That’s what everyone told me anyway.

But then he came along, and changed everything. He made the stage dangerous and music foreign; he shattered my confidence because I wanted his approval above everything else. And then he left, crushing my heart and spirit in the process.

Carmen and Baron didn’t know that story. Carmen had moved to town the next fall and Baron transferred the following spring.

If I’d had my way, no one would know. Very few people knew what had happened, and that was out of necessity. But not knowing led to things like Johnathan.

Sitting in the study room, trying fruitlessly to concentrate on my accounting assignment, I realized she would probably still insist I acquaint myself with him, maybe even date him. Not out of maliciousness or naivety, but in the name of putting myself out there again.

Giving up on homework for the moment, I grabbed my bag and left the library, wandering aimlessly around campus. Upperclassmen passed by and glanced at me long enough to register I wasn’t a familiar face before looking away. Over the past couple months I had grown used to that. Despite a population of around 6,000 students, it was a fairly close community. Part of me envied the upperclassmen who seemed to know someone everywhere they went on campus.

As I continued walking, I contemplated what Carmen had said concerning his questions about me. She was right that it wasn’t general interest, though I had determined that long before she had. For whatever reason, he had picked me out of our group; I wasn’t even the performer…at least, I hadn’t been in the past three years. Could he see I’d been broken before? Had he marked me as easy prey?

“Hello, Gisele.”

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Off the path was an old maple tree; leaning against the trunk was Johnathan, a crooked smile on his lips, his blue-green eyes reflecting the light from the nearby lampost.

Without answering him, I continued down the path, heading toward my dorm room and hoping Carmen had decided to spend the night with Baron practicing her audition pieces. I didn’t want to have a conversation with or about Johnathan. If she was there, she’d certainly let him in and then I’d have nowhere to go.

“I really must speak with you,” he said, his footsteps following me down the sidewalk. “Perhaps Carmen has already told you? I’m putting on a musical…an ancient musical.”

Ignore him, I told myself. I repeated it several times in my mind, trying to block out his voice.

“I’m holding auditions for it soon. There’s only one role with a closed audition.” He caught up with me, his hands buried in his pockets as if to assure me he meant no harm.

“I really don’t care,” I said, hoping he’d stop following me.

“But I think you will,” he confided. His footsteps ceased to follow me and I hoped that was the end of the nightmare. “I want you to be my lead.”

Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, I faced him. His features were stoic and his eyes scanning my face for some trace of my reaction. All I could do was stare dumbly at him. I must have misheard; that was the only logical explanation. There’s no way he had said he wanted me to be the lead.

“You’re insane.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t perform. Now leave me alone.”

Without waiting for a response, I ran the last several yards to my residence hall. Even inside my room with the door locked, I couldn’t help thinking about him and what I couldn’t be certain he had said. As I had turned to retreat from him, I could have sworn he'd said, “You will be my lead.”

The First Musical: Chapter One: Gisele, Part 2

“Freak out much?” Carmen asked, dumping her bag on her desk and then plopping onto her bed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, trying to focus on my homework. Something was off in the general ledger my teammates had sent me to review and I couldn’t figure out what.

“I mean with Johnathan earlier. You didn’t even have another class.”

 “So? I have homework.”

“Doesn’t count,” she said, setting her favorite teddy bear in front of her and playing with the arms. “Baron and I ate lunch with him. He’s not a student, you know. Supposedly he graduated already and now he’s promoting this musical he wants to put on. Some ancient thing no one’s seen in forever.”

“Sounds perfect for you. You’re auditioning, I’m guessing.”

“Of course;” she rolled her hazel eyes. “I’m passing up the school auditions for his. Personally, I think I totally have the lead nailed. She’s supposed to be sweet and creative; there’s supposed to some improv involved.”

“Of course, it’s yours. You’re the best performer I know.” I opened a new spreadsheet on my laptop. I hadn’t wanted to, but it looked like my only option was to start the assignment over; I just could not find the error to make everything balance.

“Johnathan kept asking about you, too. He wanted to know if you’d audition,” she said, doing her best to sound disinterested. “I told him to forget it, before you jump me.”

“Thanks.”

I was hoping she was done so I could focus on recording these transactions. It was bad enough I’d wasted two hours searching for an error I couldn’t seem to find. I didn’t want to mess something up and waste even more time.

“He was really interested in knowing about you,” Carmen said, sounding more intrigued. “Like if you sang, what kind of music you liked and disliked…that sort of thing.”

“That’s nice,” I said, distractedly, really wishing she’d shut up. I didn’t want to know Johnathan was interested in me or anything about him. As far as I was concerned, I’d be content never crossing paths with him again. Just thinking about the encounter gave me chills.

“Why don’t you have lunch with him sometime…just get to know—”

“I’m going to the library,” I interrupted. “This is due tomorrow and I have to start over from the beginning.”

“Gisele, just give him a chance,” she said as I packed my laptop and course materials. “You’d like him. You really would.”

She didn’t understand that I didn’t want to like him, or get to know him, or anything to do with him. All I wanted was to make it through my classes and keep my scholarship. I didn’t need a boyfriend or to perform on stage, despite what Carmen seemed to think. I was happy to be invisible. It was safer that way. Something about the way Johnathan had looked at me had made me feel very much exposed, and that was a terrifying thought.

The First Musical: Chapter One: Gisele, Part 1

“You’re beautiful. So smile like you’re beautiful. So sing like you’re beautiful. So dance –”

“—like you’re beautiful?” I supplied, interrupting Carmen. She had a tendency to make up her own songs and sing them all around campus in her flighty soprano voice.

“Exactly!” She walked backwards in front of me, bouncing on her toes with every step.

“You’ll run over someone like that;” thankfully, most people walked around her, some glaring.

“Why not sing with me? You aren’t half bad, yourself.”

“No, thanks. Remember, I’m the one who will only do karaoke if you pull me up on stage with you.”

“That was only once and no one complained.”

“Hey, Carmen, Gisele,” Baron called from across the quad, catching my eye. His name was Barnaby, but everyone called him Baron. Carmen beamed brighter than a spotlight while we waited for him to join  us.

“Hey, Baron. What’s up?” I asked when he was close enough I didn’t have to yell.

“Nothing much. Heading to lunch?”

“Baron, tell her she should sing more. She really isn’t that bad,” Carmen pouted.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to mumble something cutesy into her ear that made her face light up again. To me he said, “You really do have a great voice, Gisele. It wouldn’t hurt to join a group or something.”

“Will you drag her to auditions this week for me?”

Baron raised his eyebrows at me as though asking my opinion.

“I’m not auditioning,” I said, not for the first time. Auditioning was something I didn’t do. Kind of like being on stage wasn’t something I did. “And you know that, Carmen.”

Baron shrugged and returned his attention to Carmen. “She was always exempt from in-class presentations.”

“Your stage fright is fictitious,” she said, shrugging off Baron’s arm and walking backwards again. Then, as was commonly Carmen, she randomly burst into song; “It’s all in your head, my darling girl. You can do so much more than you give yourself credit for…”

“You can ignore her,” Baron whispered, grinning.

“I always do. Carmen, watch—”

Carmen fell over a guy who had wound up behind her; the two of them landed in a tangled mess of limbs on the sidewalk.

“I am so sorry,” Carmen fussed as Baron helped her to her feet. She shoved her golden locks over her shoulder before turning back to the guy on the ground. He picked himself up slowly, almost like he was distracted, running a hand through his shaggy auburn hair. His blue-green eyes met hers for a second as she gushed apologies before sweeping over Baron and landing on me for the longest two seconds of my life.

“It’s fine,” he said, dusting the seat of his pants. He then reached out a hand; “I’m Johnathan.”

“Carmen,” she said, shaking his hand. “My beau, Baron, and my best girl, Gisele. Nice to meet you, John.”

“Johnathan;” there was a slight edge to his voice.

“You don’t shorten it at all?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“No. Do you shorten yours?” The look he gave me was so intense I had to divert my gaze. Part of me wanted to run even. Something about the way he regarded me was different from when he looked at Baron or Carmen and it made my skin crawl.

“Baron does.” Then, glancing at my phone, I added, “I’m going to grab something to eat before the food court closes.”

“May I join you?” Johnathan asked.

“No,” I said a little too quickly. “I mean, I have a class in a little bit. It’s just to hold me over.”

“Gisele—”

“I’ll catch you later, Carmen,” I cut her off. I didn’t want him to know I was lying. I just wanted to be away from him and whatever it was he saw in me.