I didn’t used to have stage
fright. I used to sing all the time, every chance I could. Music and
performance were my life; it felt like I wouldn’t be able to breathe without
the ability to sing. Though I never learned to read music, I could feel it. At
least that’s what my mom had said once when I'd asked her. So even if they
weren’t always the right notes, they were beautiful. That’s what everyone told
me anyway.
But then he came along, and
changed everything. He made the stage dangerous and music foreign; he shattered
my confidence because I wanted his approval above everything else. And then he
left, crushing my heart and spirit in the process.
Carmen and Baron didn’t know
that story. Carmen had moved to town the next fall and Baron transferred the
following spring.
If I’d had my way, no one would
know. Very few people knew what had happened, and that was out of necessity. But
not knowing led to things like Johnathan.
Sitting in the study room, trying fruitlessly to
concentrate on my accounting assignment, I realized she would probably still
insist I acquaint myself with him, maybe even date him. Not out of
maliciousness or naivety, but in the name of putting myself out there again.
Giving up on homework for the
moment, I grabbed my bag and left the library, wandering aimlessly around
campus. Upperclassmen passed by and glanced at me long enough to register I wasn’t
a familiar face before looking away. Over the past couple months I had grown
used to that. Despite a population of around 6,000 students, it was a fairly close
community. Part of me envied the upperclassmen who seemed to know someone
everywhere they went on campus.
As I continued walking, I contemplated
what Carmen had said concerning his questions about me. She was right that it
wasn’t general interest, though I had determined that long before she had. For
whatever reason, he had picked me out of our group; I wasn’t even the
performer…at least, I hadn’t been in the past three years. Could he see I’d
been broken before? Had he marked me as easy prey?
“Hello, Gisele.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Off the path was an old maple tree; leaning against the trunk was Johnathan, a
crooked smile on his lips, his blue-green eyes reflecting the light from the
nearby lampost.
Without answering him, I
continued down the path, heading toward my dorm room and hoping Carmen had
decided to spend the night with Baron practicing her audition pieces. I didn’t
want to have a conversation with or about Johnathan. If she was there, she’d certainly
let him in and then I’d have nowhere to go.
“I really must speak with you,”
he said, his footsteps following me down the sidewalk. “Perhaps Carmen has
already told you? I’m putting on a musical…an ancient musical.”
Ignore him, I told myself. I
repeated it several times in my mind, trying to block out his voice.
“I’m holding auditions for it
soon. There’s only one role with a closed audition.” He caught up with me, his
hands buried in his pockets as if to assure me he meant no harm.
“I really don’t care,” I said,
hoping he’d stop following me.
“But I think you will,” he
confided. His footsteps ceased to follow me and I hoped that was the end of the
nightmare. “I want you to be my lead.”
Stopping in the middle of the
sidewalk, I faced him. His features were stoic and his eyes scanning my face
for some trace of my reaction. All I could do was stare dumbly at him. I must
have misheard; that was the only logical explanation. There’s no way he had said
he wanted me to be the lead.
“You’re insane.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t perform. Now
leave me alone.”
Without waiting for a response,
I ran the last several yards to my residence hall. Even inside my room with the
door locked, I couldn’t help thinking about him and what I couldn’t be certain
he had said. As I had turned to retreat from him, I could have sworn he'd said,
“You will be my lead.”
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