Elemental: Chapter Seven, Part 3

I wanted to turn the topic away from the serious discussion questions, afraid it might lead to something I wasn’t willing to admit; say, special feelings for a special someone who was already with another unnamed person. “What’s your favorite color?”

We changed the game to favorites for a long time. Nick loved the color green, he obsessed about Italian manufactured cars, and wanted to go to Europe someday. He hated school, could never master any instrument past three notes, and indulged frequently in the golden oldies that give you that feel-good bubble of happiness in your chest—his words, not mine.

My favorite color, as he learned, was pastel blue, I wanted to live in France someday, and had a fascination with stuffed bears (my massive collection left behind). My dislikes included liars, shopping, and the meaningless jewelry lessons my mother had forced me through. We went on to cover numerous other topics, usually playing off of each other for the next question. Favorites lasted a good hour or so, surprisingly enough.

“How many girlfriends have you had?” I inquired, pulling out of our “favorites” category.

“Two,” he replied easily. “I went out with one for a week before she dumped me for her ex, and the other I went out with for three months before she said I needed to marry her or leave her. We were 16, so I told her she was insane and left. She’s getting married in June to the guy she dated after me.”

“At least one of you found a happy ending,” I remarked before I could stop myself.

“Well, no one ever said I wouldn’t find mine.” His jade eyes held mine for a moment and sent a shiver down my spine. Why did he affect me this way? That was my biggest question, especially when I still barely knew him, despite our game. “What about you?”

“No girlfriends for me,” I joked, relishing the wide-eyed look he gave me. “I’ve had three boyfriends,” I continued, still smiling as his face returned to its interested but distant listening state. “One was because Sara broke up with him and he was such a mess she told him I’d go out with him; so I did, for a month before he got over her. Then there was the bad boy at lunch that no one liked and I ended up completely smitten over. Total disaster; it lasted two weeks before he admitted he had only been with me because he wanted to be with Emily but had lost interest, and therefore lost what grain of interest he had in me. He wasn’t the first I had experienced something like that with, but he was the only one with that intention I actually dated.

“Then there was Richie, who broke up with two of my friends at the same time and then asked me out. We dated about three months. He was a drunk and thought I would do anything he asked, so I left him, and never looked back.” I decided at the last minute not to tell him the exact circumstances. It wasn’t his business really. Well, it might have been but I wasn’t going to let it be. Not yet at least.

“Definitely more interesting than my story of the exes.”

“I think you beat me with the marriage one, though,” I said, pressing my lips together and grinning as I nodded my head slightly. “First date kiss?”

“Only if both of us agree it’s the right time,” he replied without missing a beat.

“How many times has that happened?”

“Never.”

“Thought so;” I couldn’t help smirking at his deflated, theatrical pout.

“What about you, Miss Experience?” His eyes were gleaming and the crooked grin returned.

“If the timing and the person are right,” I answered, fully realizing how cheesy it sounded.

“And has that happened?”

“How often do you find the right person?” I countered, leveling my gaze with his.

“Once in a lifetime according to every poet in the known universe.”

“Exactly.”

He pouted his lips, and I took my turn. “Were you a good person?”

“Am I or was I?”

“Were you?”

“Not always. I screwed up a lot,” he responded, gazing ahead at the mess of tripping children, new cacti and puddles of mud. There was a hesitancy to his voice, as though he was ashamed of himself. “I enjoyed pulling pranks and ‘hacks,’ if you will. Nothing too serious. All for kicks and giggles; I wasn’t caught until last year…but not by whom one might think.”

The way he finished speaking made it very clear he was done. I understood, since there were things about my past (and my present) I didn’t want to bring up any more than I had to. But I couldn’t help but wonder what his secrets were like. How bad were they? Were they anything like mine? Better? Worse?

“What about you? Were you a good person?”

I didn’t answer; I knew I hadn’t been; I had been shallow and careless and concerned more with not falling off the top of the pyramid. I made a lot of decisions I never wanted to remember. And Nick didn’t need to know any of that. No, that wasn’t right. I didn’t want him to know any of that; I didn’t want to think how knowing those things would change the way he looked at me.

“So…I guess not a good question to ask.”

I wanted to say, “No duh,” but couldn’t bring myself to pull out of my upright fetal position. I had asked it first, after all; I should have realized it would come right back to me.

“If you could do anything right now, anything in the world, what would you do?” he asked instead.

“I would be honest with everyone I’ve ever known,” I replied, the words just falling from my lips.  A voice in my head screamed, demanding to know what I was doing. But I went on, feeling guilty he was so willing to be honest when I just wanted to hide things from him. “I keep so much to myself, and sometimes I just wish I wasn’t so afraid to tell it straight, to everyone who deserved it. You know?”

Nick didn’t disappoint when I glanced at him, searching for reassurance I wasn’t mad. “I feel the same way sometimes.”

Neither of us said anything, and the silence between us echoed with the giddy screams and laughter below.

“What would you do?” I asked after a moment, needing to break the quiet.

“That’s too easy;” he smiled crookedly. “Kiss you.”

The thought tripped through my mind and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to kiss him or not. So I did what I did best, pretend. Leaning in, as if granting his wish, Nick followed suit. I almost felt cruel when my lips stopped a breath away from his and announced, “Try again.”

I stood and walked down the slope, calling the children to clean up before lunch. They groaned and obligingly agreed, but their disappointment was nowhere near equal to that of Nick. He was confused and grudgingly realizing what had happened.

My mind hoped he realized he wasn’t as desirable as he thought himself to be, while my heart chided he was more than I might be able to handle.