The next night was my first night as secretary during a
broadcast. Drei was there, but as Caroline had said earlier, he was the biggest
guy she had. She needed him as much as she claimed to need me. I purposely
waited until last to brief the bodyguards for the night. Some people even
commented on the orderliness of their briefing sheet. Though I smiled and made
small talk, I couldn’t help wondering if I could keep a rein on myself tonight.
It wasn’t long before Drei was the only one I hadn’t addressed.
Breathing in deeply, I made my way over to him.
“You’re just outside the broadcasting room tonight,” I said,
focusing on my clipboard. I handed over his briefing page and waited a moment.
“Very well,” he replied, his voice cold, but not as scathing
as it had been.
I wanted so much in that moment to tell him I still loved
him. But I didn’t. Instead, I walked back to the office to let Caroline know
everyone was set, we could go any time.
“Great,” she said, pulling her hair back in a severe bun. “Oh,
do you need anything?” she asked before I could turn to leave. “Are you okay? Nothing
happened, right?”
I smiled at her—weak as it was, it was the best I could
muster. “It’s all business, right?”
“It should be—on these nights, anyway;” she watched me
carefully, unsure whether to make heads or tails of my current emotionality.
“Then I’ll be fine.” As we left the office together, I said,
“If you ask me tomorrow, you might get a different answer. Just so you know.”
She laughed, saying, “I’ll have to remember that.”
What I didn’t tell her was while it didn’t hurt to talk to
him, it hurt to think about what his reaction to anything I said about us would
be. At least that took precedence over what hurt more—which was having to keep
anything I wanted to say to him a secret.
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