Eternal: Chapter Six, Part 3

“Why did you dye your hair?”

Shrugging, she replied, “I just wanted a change. You see so many people with blonde and brunette and others who try to pull off the red-head and—I just wanted to physically appear different. Since I am anyway…even if they can’t know that.”

“Understandable.”

“When you were in high school, did you ever just want to stand out?”

“I wanted to; I wanted to be on the outside who I felt I was on the inside, even before I knew who I really was,” I said, trying not to think too much on what things had been like, or how quickly they had changed for the worse. “But things were safer where I was…or so I thought.”

“Do you ever wish you could have changed? That you had risked a little and been who you wanted to be?” she pressed, her blue eyes widening.

“Some days I wish I had—that I hadn’t been so scared of…what it would have meant to be my own person. Because having to be my own person on someone else’s terms was not easy. Not that it would have been easy on my terms, but it would have been my choice then.” My gaze settled on my clasped hands in my lap; her questions were bringing to the surface many emotional memories I had been avoiding. Although I could blow off her questions, I didn’t want to. If I could give her my truth, perhaps it would help her find her own. “Other days, I’m somewhat grateful for my cowardice, because I honestly could not imagine if things would have been better the other way. I can only see them ending up worse in my situation.”

Again, silence seemed to fill the space between us and I hated sounding like such a damper. My situation was different from hers. I thought it was great for her to express she was different in a way that would draw attention but not from the wrong people. I personally couldn’t guarantee that if I had made the same decision to be different, my actions wouldn’t have drawn the wrong attention. She had the advantage overall; she could handle herself, and she had already learned to deal with and accept having an elemental power. At her age, I was just discovering mine.

“I think what you’re doing is great,” I finally said, unable to stand the silence. “It’s good to be able to express yourself in ways that don’t endanger you. Drei and the rest would be really proud of you.” I smiled at her.

“You, too?” she asked, glancing at me before diverting her eyes sheepishly.

I couldn’t help but smile; I would never have kids but it felt like they had been mine, especially that first year. I was their temporary mom, their older sister, their liaison to the occasionally unfriendly and intimidating vampires. That was me. “Of course. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of all of you.”

Xenia hugged me, and I hugged her back. She had grown up well over the past couple years and I really was proud of her. Instead of taking out whatever angst she may or may not have had by doing something stupid, she was being smart about it, even if it never felt like enough. It was refreshing for me because it proved to me why I was doing this.

“It was really good to see you again,” she said, pulling back.

“We’ll be in touch. But I shouldn’t keep you any longer from your friends.”

“Talk to you soon, Leirba.” At my pleased but shocked look, she added, “Yeah, Valetta told me about that, too. It’s different. Pretty…but different.” Then she was off to the boutique.

I sat for a while longer, just wondering how many other elementals felt as trapped as I had and she did, and how many were capable of breaking out in some small way like Xenia had. It hadn’t occurred to me until then how many there might be. I mean, I had felt trapped, but I was more worried with fitting in than standing out and fulfilling my own need to be myself. But hearing her put it that way, seeing the way she was settling to handle it, gave me even more motivation—if that was even possible—to succeed. If I could, no elemental would ever have to settle for being less than who they were again.