A Tale of Two, Part 6: Josef

September 12, 1891

It is absolute perfection! The dress she will wear, her smile, her hair, everything about her!

She said yes!

I dreaded meeting her today, dreading rejection. Her mother directed me to the meadow with the yellowish green grass and wilting flowers. Caroline was in the same place I found her last time. Another book, something more worn this time, curled up on a branch of the changing oak. For the longest time I watched her sitting there read.

She is gorgeous. The sun seemed to rest only on her; the wind combed through her hair. A smile played across her face every once and a while as she read.

I stood there, unmoving, afraid I would find it all a dream.

“Josef?” she asked.

At first, I didn’t hear. She repeated my name, her soft voice cutting through the crisp air.

“Yes?” I finally found my voice.

Caroline smiled brightly, as if she had been awaiting this moment. She hid her book as I advanced on the tree.

“I was wondering when you would come,” she said, slipping from the branch into my arms. She let me hold her in my arms briefly, but then moved away as if something were wrong.

“I’m here now,” I said as she slowly walked around the trunk of the oak.

“Yes; you are.”

“Is something the matter?”

“Yes…I mean no…I mean…”

My heart pounded in my chest.  Something was wrong; she was losing confidence. Losing her easy nature.

I followed her around the tree, trying not to let on to my insecurity.

“Nothing is the matter. It’s just…”

“Do I intimidate you?”

“You asked me that last time.”

“Has your answer changed?”

When she finally responded, she said, “I don’t know.”

“Why is that?” I asked more calmly than I felt. Hundreds of emotions bombarded me at once and I barely dared to hope this meant she felt the same.

“I don’t know.”

“Does your heart race when I’m near?” I asked, my hand touching hers.

Caroline jumped away from me, walking off a ways and clutching her hand to her chest. “No,” she said quickly. “Not at all.”

Some part of me longed to tell her how she made me feel, though I knew she would become uncomfortable. More so than she was already. The rest of me wanted to leave it be. To have her answer and be on with life.

I stayed near the tree, though I yearned to hold her again in my arms. “I meant no offense. I was curious to know if it happened to you as well.”

“What do you mean?” Caroline turned to me but kept her distance.

“It seems I suffer from a desiring heart. Anytime I am near you, or think of you, my heart soars and my mind struggles to sound intelligible.”

“Why do you tell me this?” she asked softly, as though each word was an admission.

“Because I want you to know. I want…I want you, and all the joys you bring me. It is…you delight me so, and I want to feel that way always.”

Caroline twisted where she stood, as though thinking and rethinking to run from me. She stopped, facing neither me nor the direction of the homestead. “I don’t know what to say; I never do around you. I feel lost.” Her hands were white from squeezing each other. “No one has ever made me feel this confused; joyous and worried, grateful and untrusting…there are so many emotions and thoughts…I don’t know what to do.” Tears brimmed her cinnamon eyes.

I started toward her, unable to bear the sight of her distressed, but was surprised when she ran to me and cried into my shoulder. She apologized repeatedly. My arms held her close to me; I comforted her, whispering everything was all right.

“I am sorry. I am so sorry. It is all my fault,” she whispered.

“No…it is all mine.” I could not believe I had made her cry! This had not been my intention.

“You must think me ridiculous,” Caroline said, wiping away her tears and stepping out of my arms. “Mother would be disappointed in me…crying in front of a guest. And a gentleman, no less.”

“Then she shall not know. It’s my fault, after all.”

“It isn’t, really, though I suppose there’s no point in arguing.” She laughed, fanning her face with her hands. “I really am sorry. I’ve no idea what came over me.”

“I don’t mind; I quite liked your nearness.”

For a moment, all she did was smile at me. “I quite liked your nearness, as well. Though I must be mad; from tears to joy in moments. I can’t say what will be next.”

“Then we must both be mad.”

She returned my smile, the color evening across her face again.

“I have thought about your proposal.” Her arms crossed under her bosom and her gaze cast downward.

“You have decided it’s too much trouble then.” My eyes turned to my shoes as I kicked a small rock. It had been too much to hope.

“To the contrary;” she stepped towards me, dropping her arms and lifting her wide eyes to my face. “If the offer still stands, I should like to attend with you.”

It is difficult for me to describe the emotions that cascaded through me at her words. All of this joy swelled in my chest; my heart felt as though it had flown to the moon. My stomach all but disappeared somewhere below the earth. If it had not been attached, my head would surely have flown into the air screaming with exultance.

“The offer stands; I would never dream of going with another.”

And that, journal, is how Caroline agreed to be my companion for Father’s ball, making me, officially, the luckiest man in England.